Sleep had been elusive that first night home, despite the sheer exhaustion I felt. Still overwhelmed by emotion, and feeling guilty that the kids had been frightened and upset by my inability to cope.....or think....or even speak in coherent sentences!!!
I did doze off and on throughout the night though, and as soon as I got up, I immediately called NICU to see how Jazzie went.
She had tolerated her feeds over night, and was officially put on regular 4 hrly, 1ml feeds, but by the time I rang, they had dropped one feed. She'd had a big oxygen desaturation, but picked herself up.
Her blood sugar was a little high, and she'd had her first blood transfusion, 20 ml of blood, due to the amount of blood they need to take from her for testing. Her little body just cant make it as fast as they take it!
But other than that, she was great.
I was thrilled to hear she was doing well, but impatient to see her. I had to wait for Dad to drop my other kids at school before he came to get me. I wasnt allowed to drive yet which is why I had to wait on Dad. While I waited, I expressed, and also tried to get myself organised......but I found that I could still barely think let alone organise myself!!
I only had 2 hours there that day, and only got to see my jazz for maybe a total of 15minutes!! As soon as I arrived, the social worker came to get me for a talk. I really didnt want to leave, but thoughtI had to. I told Jan how I couldnt think...hell, I could barely manage a coherent sentence (which I think was made abundantly obvious to her!!!) And how quilty I felt about how everything went with the kids, and that not just me, but also Mum and Paul, thought I just wasnt coping at all.
She said I was actually behaving very normally and she'd be concerned if I wasnt behaving that way!!! Whilst that took a very small load off my mind, it certainly didnt change the fact that I was almost a complete blithering idiot!
Once I finished with Jan, I had a few minutes with Jazz before leaving her again to express. Expressing is one of those things that is both positive and negative. On the positive side, it was the very best thing I could do for my baby, and it was one of the only ways I felt I coud help her now (If I could build my supply up). But on the negative side, it took so much precious time away from jazz. Later on, after making some friends, the expressing room became a bit of a haven. A place to catch up and chat and support each other......and make plans for coffee....but initially, it was a dark and foreboding place away from my girl.
After expressing I went back to Jazz, it was time for her cares and the nurse offered for me to change her. OH DEAR GOD!!! I practically SHIT!!!! You see, I've had Rheumatoid arthritis since I was a small child, but diagnosed at 14, and after all that time, my hands are very deformed. Every one of my fingers are dislocated and when you look at an xray of my hands they look for all the world like birds wings!!! The right hand was a little better than the left, because the year before Jazz was born I had my knuckle joints replaced, but I only have two functioning fingers and the thumb working on each hand. I cannot make a fist with either hand at all, so my grip was dodgy to say the least and because the tendons in my other fingers have snapped off, I cant make fine pinching movements either, I felt very clutzy and dangerous......Would I even be able to lift those little legs without breaking her???!!!!
I watched the nurse take a tiny cotton wool ball, and clean the tiniest bum imaginable, I was blown away by the fact that her little anus was a literal pin prick!!! She hadnt grown bum cheeks yet....its mind boggling and awe inspiring to see this little person perfectly formed, yet also not fully formed inso far as fat deposits have not yet been laid down, all the layers of skin have not yet grown, eyes are fused, flaps for ears, but no cartiledge has developed yet, brain and lungs are not fully formed, even nipples havent begun forming!! To watch that growth and transformation was to going to be an incredible experience!! Even now, at only 4 days old she had changed somewhat, each day she looked slightly different. I was taking copious amounts of photos, which quickly became a habit, loads of photos and videos, with family members recieving daily photo updates to their mobile phones.
Emotionally, I didnt know if Id ever get better, I was also struggling with the fact that my belly was still 24 week size and tight, people thought I was still pregnant, add to that the fact there was no typical vaginal trauma from birth, it just didnt feel physically like I'd had a baby!! That was very difficult.
Each time a nurse came to do Jazzies cares, my feisty little dot went nuts!! She put her angry face on and kicked at the nurses and punched them....it was quite hilarious to see this thumbelina sized Mike Tyson wannabe attacking the nurses with so much vigour!!! Glad I got videos of that! lol
Too soon I had to leave her, it killed me that I would have to wait til tomorrow to see her again.
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