Day 3 after having any baby is difficult. Those stupid hormones that make you depressed and weepy hit every mother on day 3....but compound those hormones with all those difficult emotions youre already trying to deal with after having a prem, or indeed any sick baby, and what you have is a meltdown of what feels like epic proportions!!
This was compounded even more by the hospitals standard policy of kicking mum out on day 3. Seriously, youd think that a hospital of Monash's reputation and standing in the medical community and fields of research wouldve given a little more thought to this policy, particularly to those mums who's babies cant come home yet. Hard enough to leave your baby and go to back to maternity, but to leave the hospital all together......well, it wasnt a pretty sight.
I was being hassled by the staff in maternity to pack up and leave, but had to wait for my mum. They expected me to take 4 weeks worth of accumulated stuff (I had hoped I'd still be in for the long haul) down to the lobby to wait for hours without seeing my baby. I spent many hours that day avoiding maternity as much as possible. And making the most of my time with Jazz.
I found it difficult to stop crying and I was really struggling with the fact that I was not producing bucket loads of milk. I was feeling dazed and forgetful and was struggling to even think straight!
Meanwhile, Jazzie was showing off a very feisty little attitude, she kept trying to take her hat off, and constantly kicked the plastic blankie off herself. And spent all day sucking her index finger and thumb!! Supposedly at this stage of development they dont yet have that sucking reflex, but Jazz certainly didnt realise that! She was doing so well, that when I took some small amounts of breast milk in little syringes up to NICU, they said she'd be starting on the breast milk in 2 days!! Only a couple of hours later, the nurses said jazz was doing so well that they had decided to start expressed breast milk feeds now!! 1ml every 4 hours to see if she could tolerate a full tummy and still be able to breathe!!
The highlight of my day was when one of the nurses, if memory serves I believe it was Leanne, carefully opened the side of the isolette, gently slid jazz toward me and allowed me to briefly kiss my tiny bub on the head.......words just cant express the emotions I felt.
As the day got later and the time drew nearer for mum to arrive and take me home, I got more upset and anxious. Again you have so many conflicting emotions! I didnt want to leave Jazz, but I was happy to be seeing my gorgeous other 3 kids. But worried too, I would have to wear a face mask, as the other kids had very nasty colds. I couldnt risk catching it and taking it into Jasmine and the other babies, a simple common cold can kill them.
Mum picked me up around 4pm, we stopped briefly at my place to see Paul as he was staying there the night and made plans that I would be dropped back there around 9pm so we could go and see Jazz together that night.
When we pulled into mums driveway, Paige came running out to me. Emotions completely overtook me and I just bawled and held her so tight. Then did the same with the boys. Storm in particular found it very difficult to see me so upset, he had a real problem with me crying. I was having a lot of trouble coping with anything y this stage, as I literally couldnt think!! My mind kept going completely blank, the weeping was almost uncontrollable, storm wasnt coping and I felt like a complete failure. Like I was hurting the kids.
Later that night, I got the kids into bed and was dropped home around 9.30pm. It had been decided I'd stay home til the kids were over their colds. Paul and I went in to see Jasmine. It was always so great to see her, yet so difficult because she's so tiny and you feel completely helpless. I desparately wanted to hold her, but had to be content with short times touching her hand or foot. Your initial instinct is to do soothing, gentle strokes on your baby, but with a micro prem there is nothing soothing about a touch like that. Prems need a firm touch. We were there for a few hours, it was difficult to leave, but I was unable to stand any longer. I think because I'd been on bedrest for so long, and wearing the pressure stockings, my feet and legs had swollen to ridiculous proportions and were so sore!! I couldnt fit into shoes and barely even fit my slippers!!
Throughout all of this difficult day, I had been expressing milk 3 hourly and still producing only tiny amounts. I had been discharged with a hired breast pump, and as soon as we got home I was yet again hooked up to what was to become my nemesis!!!
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